im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
