In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
