I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
