It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
