NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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