how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
