If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
