There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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