I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
