she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.