Where is the hickey?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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