If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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