Swine flu. Run for my life!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
