i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A+ Viking dick
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
