I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
