NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
