Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
