you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
