I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
