Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
