I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
