Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
