So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?