I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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