life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just come out here and I will go home with you...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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