oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
