We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
