Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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