she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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