somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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