I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
