Apparently you make a good broom.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
