i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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