I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
