Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
