brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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