Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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