saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
...so i touched it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
