By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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