Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
