Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.