i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?