just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
