Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
