Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
