Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
