No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
