We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
