remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
