my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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