i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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