She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im part way to drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
