I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
