he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
