Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
