tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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