worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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